Posted by: God Hates Triffids | September 2, 2009

PRE-EMPLOYMENT FIDICHLORIAN SCREENING REQUIRED

We may be making greater strides in the war against Triffids and Triffidism. We recently lobbied our congresspersons for pre-employment Fidichlorian screeining via urnialysis for all employers.

Why? Well the logic is two-fold. Everyone knows that fids work so thatthey can use their paychecks to buy the illegal foliage and then of course they need to buy food for the plants. Wildlife such as game and homeless people doesn’t come cheap. Cutting off the source of funds will ultimately lead to the decline of Triffids and Triffidism as a whole.

The other side of the coin is eradication of the Fids in general. Without the ability to sustain a comfortable lifestyle the Fids will end up dying off or at best living in communal camps which can easily be set ablaze at our own discretion.

ScreenHunter_03 Sep. 02 11.03Doctors believe that the Fid genetic marker manifests itself in the urine of the hosts and a simple test, similar to that of a drug screening can weed (No pun intended) out those who are trying to pass themselves off as regular humans.

Some little known facts about Fids in the workplace:

FACT: Fids are notoriously late or truent. Their level of absenteeism is higher than alcoholics, drug addicts and World of Warcraft geeks on patch day combined.

FACT: Fids steal. If anything in your office is of value then consider it pawned for cash to support their lifestyle.

FACT: Fids have a very low Intelligence Quotient. Many can not even perform simple functions such as answering a phone or refilling the printerwith paper.

FACT: Fids are not motivated. Employers waste valuable dollars a year paying Fids who ride the timeclock by surfing the web looking up Fid related material, talking to their fid friends on the phone (long distance)

FACT: Fids steal other employees lunches and beverages from the refigerators in the breakroom? ever had you meal taken? Then you have a filthy Fid in your midst.

By using a simple urine kit you can determine beforehand if an applicant is a Fid or not and make the best hiring choice for your company, and by best choice we mean the one who is not a fid.

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Responses

  1. Next thing you know, they’ll be coming for you. Hatred breeds hatred.

    First they came for the ‘dils, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a daffodils.

    Then they came for the roses, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a rose.

    Then they came for the ‘golds, and I didn’t speak up, because I was a marigold.

    Then they came for the ‘fids and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a ‘fid

    Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me


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