Posted by: God Hates Triffids | September 28, 2009

BREAKING NEWS! ONE SHOT CURES FIDDISM!

Breaking news out of Thailand today on the battle against Triffids and their heathen supporters.

Medical experts in Thailand have discovered a cure for the Fid gene which boasts a staggering 100% success rate. Officials are calling it a miracle cure and the public hails it the ONLY successful public option to come out of the current administration.

“I don’t know what took so long to discover this one-shot cure,” said a resident of Oak Park, IL who is concerned over the growing numbers of Triffid Sympathizers in her neighborhood. “All i know is that this is the best thing to come out of Thailand since Tony Jaa.”

Right now the shot is strictly voluntary, though government officials assure us they are working on passing mandatory shots into legislation.

In the meantime anti-fids are encouraged to contact their local congress person to speed up the prcess. The time to act is now!

“The implications of this discovery from Thailand is immense. The shot, we are sure, will work not just on Triffids but also on the rampant homosexual community,” spoke adoctor with with NIH. “This is a guaranteed one-shot cure. How many medical miracles have we seen in one single shot. None. This is science at its most perfect.”

We will keep you updated as more details come in. In the duration we ask that you forward the names of any known Fids to your local government agencies so that we can offer them the shot that will cure them once and for all.

Fids line up for the one-shot cure being administered by a licensed medical professional (Front right)

Fids line up for the one-shot cure being administered by a licensed medical professional (Front right)

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Posted by: God Hates Triffids | September 2, 2009

PRE-EMPLOYMENT FIDICHLORIAN SCREENING REQUIRED

We may be making greater strides in the war against Triffids and Triffidism. We recently lobbied our congresspersons for pre-employment Fidichlorian screeining via urnialysis for all employers.

Why? Well the logic is two-fold. Everyone knows that fids work so thatthey can use their paychecks to buy the illegal foliage and then of course they need to buy food for the plants. Wildlife such as game and homeless people doesn’t come cheap. Cutting off the source of funds will ultimately lead to the decline of Triffids and Triffidism as a whole.

The other side of the coin is eradication of the Fids in general. Without the ability to sustain a comfortable lifestyle the Fids will end up dying off or at best living in communal camps which can easily be set ablaze at our own discretion.

ScreenHunter_03 Sep. 02 11.03Doctors believe that the Fid genetic marker manifests itself in the urine of the hosts and a simple test, similar to that of a drug screening can weed (No pun intended) out those who are trying to pass themselves off as regular humans.

Some little known facts about Fids in the workplace:

FACT: Fids are notoriously late or truent. Their level of absenteeism is higher than alcoholics, drug addicts and World of Warcraft geeks on patch day combined.

FACT: Fids steal. If anything in your office is of value then consider it pawned for cash to support their lifestyle.

FACT: Fids have a very low Intelligence Quotient. Many can not even perform simple functions such as answering a phone or refilling the printerwith paper.

FACT: Fids are not motivated. Employers waste valuable dollars a year paying Fids who ride the timeclock by surfing the web looking up Fid related material, talking to their fid friends on the phone (long distance)

FACT: Fids steal other employees lunches and beverages from the refigerators in the breakroom? ever had you meal taken? Then you have a filthy Fid in your midst.

By using a simple urine kit you can determine beforehand if an applicant is a Fid or not and make the best hiring choice for your company, and by best choice we mean the one who is not a fid.

Posted by: God Hates Triffids | September 1, 2009

RESEGREGATION FOR FIDS

On May 17th, 1954 the U.S. Supreme court entered its decision in the historic Brown v. The Board of Education case declaring segregation of schools unconstitutional. In 1957 nine African American students enrolled at Little Rock Arkansas’ Central High, a public school, entered the school for the first time after being barred by then governor Orval Faubus.

It was a historic moment that forever changed the landscape of the public school system as educational facilities across the United States followed suit and desegregated.

It is now the latter part of 2009 and as we approach the end of the aughts and head into the decade ending capper of 2010 we are faced with the prospect that the need for segregation is once again at hand.

No, we are not talking about segregating our colored friends, that would be a ridiculous request! Unless its something they WANT to do, then we won’t stop them. HOWEVER, what we refer to is the segregation of an even more threatening group. The young Fids.

School age children of Triffid Sympathizers are a bigger threat to our great nation than any other rapidly growing minority group.

With the love of triffids instilled in them from birth, many of them carrying the fidichlorian gene, they are a great danger to those of us who oppose these plants and the supportes of the flora in question.

“I don’t want my children exposed to this. Whatever sinners do in their home is one thing, but to bring it to school and flaunt in in the faces of innocent kids trying to live a God-fearing life…it’s just heinous.” Says one mother of a child attending a public school which openly enrolls triffid sympathizers.

School Principal Mary Kubick for New York’s PS 12 school adds; “Until there is some form of legislature barring these…things…from our halls we have to let them in. And they come in droves, wearing their triffid propoganda and lecturing to kids on the benefits of raising and keeping these monstrous creatures.”

Leslie Kayter, a kindergarten teacher agrees. “Look, it’s not the smell that fids give off that I find repulsive…and its a fact that all fids do stink, its their lower than average IQs. It’s like their parents are cousins.”

Fidkids: Worse than Cooties

Fidkids: Worse than Cooties

It is a known fact throughout the world that Fids often inbreed to keep the bloodline pure and the resulting offspring are often products of incestuous relations.

Kayter continues, “It’s just that they creep me out. I know they go home to a household built on lies and misinformation and they go outside to their patch and feed those things. they feed the plants meat, probably the bodies of children on the Amber Alert. I shiver at the thought.”

The United States Supreme Court is not opposed to re-segreating the schools and designating certain buildings in disrepair to fidkids. A Judge speaking anonymously said, “I know of several buildings riddled with cancer-causing asbestos. If we can just get these children into these structures we can let nature run its course.”

And we agree whole-heartedly. Fidkids must be stopped. Just because they look like innocent kids we must not forget that they are the spawn of Satan and raised and educated by Fids to be the next generation of Triffid Sympathizer.

Segregate them now or fight them later. The choice is ours and the courts and government is on our side! So is God, and we have it on good authority that he agrees with this plan.

Posted by: God Hates Triffids | August 31, 2009

STOPPING THE FID VOTE

There is a certain number of the populace that cannot legally vote:

-Minors (18 years and under)

-Gays

-Retarded people

-Women

-Black People

-Native Americans

The reasons for “no vote” status are varied and we won’t get into it here but one class of citizen shockingly absent from this list is the FIDS.

stopfidvote

This could change in the near future and hopefully before the next election in two-thousand something. Our lobbyists have been busy wining, dining and contributing to congress so that we can get a bill in the coffers.

The bill, if passed, will block all Fids from legally entering the voting booths. In fact, the law will make it illegal for them to vote for anything; (Sheriffs, judges, mayors, American Idols).

“Fids are a second class citizen and we have to acknowledge this. We need to be open and vocal about it, no sitting around the dinner table talking about it in hushed tones.” said Lisa Krause of Huntington, MA. “I raise my kids to be accepting of everything as long as it is normal and not in contrary of God’s law.

Jesus, speaking driectly through yours truly, added “To let a fid vote would be the equivalent of crucifying me all over again.”

And who wants to crucify the son of God all over again? Well, the Jews notwithstanding, the answer would be no one.

We will keep you up to date on our campaign to end the Fid Vote and we will fill you in on details as they arise.

Posted by: God Hates Triffids | August 27, 2009

SCIENTIFIC STUDY FINDS FID GENE

(Little Rock, AR)

There may be a reason Fids seem to be popping up everywhere these days. When asked why they chose to be a Fid almost everyone of the triffid Sympathizers replied with a resounding “I was born this way.”

Prior to a recent study we simply had to take their word for it and condemn them openly via marches and demonstrations. What kind of God would make someone WANT to take sides with a killer plant which by definition is an abomination.

“We can admit when we are wrong,” said Thomas Parrish of the local Little Rock, Arkansas chapter of G.H.T. “This isn’t one of those times though. It is our firm beliefe that God did not make Fids, that they are spawn of Satan.”

A recent scientific breakthrough uncovered a dormant genetic marker passed on from the maternal side. Females are the carrier, if perchance they couple with a male who received the mark from his mother, then the gene becomes dominant and a new Fid is born.

Doctor Gerald Ng, lead scientist on the project and a member of the Anti-triffid movement discovered the gene. “We found the marker and knew immediately that it is the mark of the beast. The gene is located in the cerebral cortex at .666 centimeters from the frontal lobe. We are calling the gene a Fidichlorian.”

Mothers need not worry though, a screening has been established to determine if your child will be a Fid. If it is determined that an expectant mother is carrying a Triffid Sympathizer the government can provide counselling and alternative-to-life options.

Being a Fid Sucks So Suck the Fid Out of You!

Being a Fid Sucks So Suck the Fid Out of You!

Posted by: God Hates Triffids | August 27, 2009

Interview With A Triffidite

We recently had the opportunity to sit down and talk with a leader in the pro-triffid movement. She requested that her name not be revealed to protect her from aggressive triffid haters (as if any of these exist).

She agreed to speak openly about her past and future as a Fid and we think her answers will shock you.

A known leader in the Fid movement takes a break during our interview

A known leader in the Fid movement takes a break during our interview

Interview with a Triffidite:

We had the chance to sit down with one of the Triffid Sympathizers who spoke openly about her beliefs and where she sees the movement headed.  We present to you this unprecedented interview completely unedited.

GHT: Thank you for sitting down with us. So you are a professed Triffidite?

Fid: (Mumbles incoherently, drools uncontrollably)

GHT: Are you drunk right now? It is a fact that 100% of Fids are raging alcoholics and transvestites. Are you a transvestite ma’am? …or is it really “sir”?

Fid: (Laughs hysterically then passes out)

GHT:  (Ten minutes later after the fid regains consciousness) When did you decide to be a Fid?

Fid: It’s not a birth…I was choiced this way….hahahahahah…(face becomes very serious) I made a doodie.

GHT: The fids, yourself being one, admit openly that they steal from the elderly, lead an active swinger lifestyle and bet on the special Olympics. How do you justify that on top of such a heinous and godless existence you openly support the keeping and raising of dangerous plants.

Fid: I….I….(looks around nervously)…can I score some meth?

GHT: Another sad fact, all fids are meth addicts.  What do you feel when you look at your plants and know that they resulted in the deaths of many innocent people. What goes through your head?

Fid: Um…space…

GHT: Did you just say sp…

Fid: …The final frontier, these are the voyages of the starpise entership! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

GHT: Are you legally retarded?

Fid: (wrings hands manically) Maybe

GHT: Are all Fids?

Fid: What’s a f…

GHT: And this interview is over. I think we have proven our point.

Posted by: God Hates Triffids | August 26, 2009

No To MTLA

The MTLA (Man Triffid Love Association) is an offshoot of sympathizers, and most male sympathizers partake in the dangerous sexual liasons with the venemous and killer plant.

Recently featured in an article in the Journal of American Medication, copulating with the plants is a new danger and most men in the sympathizer regime are walking around with a new STD called “Triffylis” and don’t even know it.

It is spreading amongst Fid breeders and only the ban on Fid marriage and fids raising kids can stop this pandemic.

If when you urinate you smell a soft floral fragrance you are most likely infected. No word yet on other side effects, we will keep you updated.

In the meantime, we must stop all male Fids from mating with their vegitation. say no to MTLA!

MTLA

Posted by: God Hates Triffids | August 26, 2009

THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE: PROTECTING IT FROM FIDS

The Anti-Triffid movement is picking up steam and we will be victorious. Our next initiative is at hand as we lobby congress heavily.

Everyone knows that a marriage is between a man and a woman. It is the way God intended it and just like we don’t want homosexuals sharing in our misery we don’t want fids to be able to marry and procreate!

"Marriage should be between a man and a woman of non-Fid affiliation." -God

"Marriage should be between a man and a woman of non-Fid affiliation." -God

Our opposition in this cause is a larger threat than a homosexual. Homos can not procreate, Fids can. That is why we need to write our congresspeople today and tell them that fids should not be allowed to marry or adopt/raise kids.

It is for the safety of our youth that we remove them from this radical school of thought. As long as there are parents teaching contrary to God there will be kids who grow up believing this ridiculousness.

We are working to get a proposition on the next ballots that prevent fids from marrying or having children. If we get a vote and it becomes a bill it will become law and after that the numbers of triffid sympathizers will dwindle with each passing year.

But we are doing this because it is God’s will, not our own. that fact that God’s will coincides with our political agenda is simply happenstance.

Talk with your congressperson today to get details on how you can ban the marriage and adoption rights of Fids.

Posted by: God Hates Triffids | August 26, 2009

TWEETS TWEETS WE GOT THE DEETS

Follow Us...we Like Stalkers

Follow Us...we Like Stalkers

We are now a member of Twitter, the micro blogging community.  Follow us there: triffidsmustdie

There is a campaign underfoot on Twitter to support F. Paul Wilson.

With your help and following we can end his campaign of terror!

Posted by: God Hates Triffids | August 26, 2009

The Truth About Facts

We have a staff of researchers on hand who prove fact with science. For once Science supports the bible and vice versa. God hates Triffids, and for good reason:

FACT: Triffids rape 1 college co-ed every year
FACT: Triffids cause global warming
FACT: Triffids support 3 known terrorist cells
FACT: Triffids finance films starring Keanu Reeves
FACT: Triffids beat Rihanna, Not Chris Brown

When the facts are laid out, it is hard to deny that they need to be stopped. If for any reason alone to prevent The Lake House 2 from being made.

Actor, Surfer, Musician, and TRIFFIDITE

Actor, Surfer, Musician, and TRIFFIDITE

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